Everyone has a starting point. Everyone gets to a point where they have given up but, see a glimmer of a chance to seize the moment and try one last time.
I had given up but, something pushed me to try one more time for a better way of living. This is my story thus far…
My weight has always been a struggle, even when I was at a normal weight I never felt thin enough. I have a long history of crash diets, diet pills and beyond.
My first prenatal appointment, I weighed 128 pounds. Pregnancy gave me the freedom to ditch the diets but, I packed on the pounds at an alarming rate. The day my daughter was born, twenty years ago, I tipped the scale at 270 pounds! I am 5’3″ so that had my 17 year old self in a size 24W.
Since then, I have struggled tremendously with my weight and sticking to any sort of “diet”. Fast forward three kids later, I found myself at around the 237 mark on average, give or take 20 pounds.
I have weighted over 200# since 2001. I could never break the cycle of diet/gain/give up.
After the passing of my grandma and a month later, a hysterectomy, I was up to 257 pounds and miserable.
Hormones played a role in initially stabilizing my weight and with in a year, I was down 20 pounds without any changes to my lifestyle.
Jan 2015, my friend, Amanda, tells me about Keto. My hardheaded self was instantly turned off to the entire thing. It took me a year to finally realize I had to do something.
My grandpa had always tried to push me towards weight loss and even made a deal that he’d pay for my tummy tuck after hitting my goal. Sadly, he passed and wasn’t able to see me finally stick to a way of life that is conducive to healthy eating, moving past the crash diets and being active again. I’m pretty sure they’d be proud.
Weight starting coming off. People started to notice. I started to notice. Hitting OnederLand (199 and below) was a day I never thought I’d see. I weighed less that the lie on my driver’s license. That just pushed me harder.
Keto is not a diet, it’s a way of life. A life I choose because I am able to live again, to go out without being so worried if people are looking at me because of my size.
I just married the most amazing man in March. I wanted to look beautiful on my wedding day and was able to have a wonderful wedding with friends and family and you know what, I felt beautiful. Missy totally rocked her bridesmaid dress too!
It’s summer, my favorite season and guess what… I wear shorts again!! I play with my dogs in the yard, I just did a 5k with my Keto partner in crime, Missy, I lift weights, I am loving myself for a change.
Here we are, June 2017. I am 37 years old. literally just stepped off the scale weighing 170.1 pounds. I am now a size 10/12. I do not have to shop in the plus size department for the first time in my adult life!
This isn’t a race, it’s a journey. There are bumps in the road. It’s not magic. It will work if you give it a chance. We are here for you and want you to succeed at weight loss, taking back your life and following your dreams.
❤️ Jai Simpson Gosling
Feeling full of shit?…
The struggle to poo is a real deal in keto land. Getting a daily deuce in is going to be a thing of the past when you are following this way of eating. Unless, you feed the gnarly colon demon some rather ridiculous sounding remedies.
0. Sugar-Free Gummies. Nothing sounds more appealing when on a “diet” than a handful of these adorable, (insert adorable gummy animal) non threatening, delightful gummy babies in your face hole. STOP!! Be prepared for an eruption that rivals that of Mt St Helens! While the taste is reminiscent of your childhood, the fury is that of the Nile! You might as well eat this “treat” on the toilet seat, watching NetFlix and chilling until the aftershocks are over.
0. Smooth Move Tea. Pretty self explanatory. This is literally, “shit tea”. It’s like the GHB of laxatives. Things seem okay, a little questionable but, you got this… Just kidding! While on that conference call hours into your work day, the rumbling in your tummy is you getting ready to shart your pants. Weekend use is recommended.
0. Ducalax. Just no… Unless you need a colonoscopy prep, run for the hills. This adorable pink pill is the kiss of disaster! Waking up with crap cramps so bad you are praying for death. One dance with this dump Devil will have you posting cautionary tales for decades to come.
0. Magnesium Citrate. This bottle of booty clearing jungle juice with have you cleared out quicker that a PeeWee Herman Peepshow. One and done!
Really… choosing your poop potion comes down to how much quality time you plan on spending planned or not on the porcelain poo portal.
Have a friend on speed dial that loves you enough to bring you Tucks ass pads when your sphincter snaps like an old rubber band from the acidic doom coming from your derrière.
Just another day in ketodise.
Poop wisely friends.
Here we go…
Launching a website is hard work. Holy crap, we are not tech savvy. We apologize in advance for the childlike appearance of this site until we find our bearings.
Welcome to Keto Girls Unplugged: Guide to Foodgasams and Other Shenanigans.
We have been on an amazing, ongoing journey to weight loss, health and happiness. Having a friend and partner in crime (nothing illegal), makes this way of life something that is maintainable. We are just two self-taught women, navigating our way though keto land. Yes, this is “unplugged” and not for the easily offended as we have developed a very colorful vocabulary and quirky sense of humor.
Who likes dieting? **crickets**
No one likes to diet because it feels like you are having to restrict everything you enjoy. We are not about restriction and all about satisfaction, decadence and living/loving life to the fullest.
That being said… We started Keto Girls Unplugged as a way to share this way of life with anyone that has struggled to achieve weight loss, achieve better health and for those that want to live a more active, happy life.
That’s great but, WTH is “Unplugged?”
We are like the Kardashians minus, the fame, money, and sex tapes. Yes, we love excess. How do you think our asses got so big to begin with?
So, here we are in all of our uncensored glory. We promise to provide comic relief, raw unfiltered life adventures and misadventures, tips, tricks and shenanigans for your viewing pleasure.
Welcome aboard the crazy train of keto life!
❤ Missy & Jai